Family Secrets: Joined by the Blood
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”
Family Secrets
Family Secrets: Joined by the Blood
Here is an excerpt from a email to my dear first and second cousin in 2009:
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"It is enlightenment to find that my aunt (by marriage) is also my first cousin (by blood) and that my first cousin (her daughter) is my first and second cousin both by blood. "By the Blood" could be the title of an interesting book. I could write about this."
I am so thankful to my cousin Bernadette for enlightening me. On that night in October 2008, she shared that her uncle was my father. It was that moment that my life changed forever; it was an ordinary day in a not-so-ordinary life when I was 46 years old.
As I recall, Bernadette called me to have a conversation. She wanted to let me know that her uncle passed away recently and that her other uncle Frank recently endured bypass surgery.
Those uncles were on her mother's side of the family. Her mother, my aunt Mary, used to be married to my mother's brother which makes her my aunt. I expressed my condolences and then I was quiet. The silence was slightly awkward finally Bernadette said, "I figured you might want to know since my uncle Frank is your biological father". All I could say was "wow, I didn't know". I held tight to my composure. I thanked Bernadette for her honesty. We ended our conversation.
At that moment I think I lost my mind. I screamed and I cried nearly all night long. Memories rushed in and out of my head. I began putting thoughts of the past together like a puzzle. My husband could do absolutely nothing for me. He told me before morning that he couldn't see me through this anguish alone so I woke up, crawled out of bed, and somehow made it to work. Later that day, I made an appointment to see a therapist. When I met with the psychologist two days later, he immediately referred me to a long-term counselor, one that could see me through to the end. I am so thankful for that first session. It was amazing that he could tell what was in store for me ahead and where my mind was going to wander. He stated that it was going to be a long haul and that I would experience anger while constantly piecing missing links together.
He was correct. It was almost like some kind of withdrawal. Every time I thought about the idea that I had a biological father out there I didn’t know about, I cried and screamed all over again day after day; week after week.
Those words of my cousin on that October night have never left me.
Road to Recovery
Family Secrets: Joined by the Blood
My journey continued with a therapist specializing in African American women's issues in Atlanta. We met weekly, then bi-weekly and soon we were meeting monthly.
I had a lot to think about and a whole lot to do. There were conversations I needed to have with my family. This new enlightenment not only changed my life but everyone's lives who had a direct connection with me. It was the consequence of a 46-year-old family secret.
I went about my first task and drove to Spartanburg S.C. to meet with my aunt Mary. She was the direct link and the niece to my biological father. She greeted me with a lovely peace lily. It is still a living reminder of her peaceful demeanor and willingness to help. During our visit, she filled in information where she could and shared with me that since my paternity was hidden, my biological family could only love me from afar. My aunt was the third party that made sure a pulse was kept on my life.
Throughout the years she reported back to my father (her uncle) various things about me including pictures. As a young child, I spent a fair amount of time with my aunt cousin Mary especially since she was married to my uncle and my mother was away attending college. She felt it was good for me to have a change of scenery while giving my grandmother (my caretaker at the time) a break. It occurred to me though that our relationship all those years ago when I was 5 or so was more about family love that ran deeper than I could ever imagine. It was about the fact that she and I were joined by the blood that spans over two families. That visit on that Sunday afternoon was comforting.
Next Steps
On my next visit with my therapist, as fragile as I was, I laid out the order of conversations I needed to have. Here's what we came up with:
Reveal to my daughter who her biological grandfather is
Meet my biological father
Meet my two half brothers and sister
Share with my half-brother whom I grew up with my revelation
Confront my mother
Talk with my father who raised me and reassure him that we are still father and daughter
These six interactions were the hardest I think I've ever had. Each one had its degree of difficulty and uniqueness. One-by-one, each was checked off.
A Note About Adoption
I rather like the way they are doing adoptions these days. I think it's beautiful that birth parent(s) are kept in the loop and most often relationships are formed between the birth and adoptive parents throughout the life of the child.
I'm a one-parent adoptee. For me, it means that I belong to my mother. She married her college sweetheart who then adopted me. Not too bad if it were that simple. Everything was planned perfectly to keep it all secret. The birth certificate was changed and sealed. As with any secret, you have to keep it alive but as time passes, secrets grow old and weary till they die. CAUTION: The results can be devastating.
Have you ever found yourself in some way joined by the blood?
